My life with A.D.D.
This article begins with my personal history with ADD. The middle describes how I changed my condition. It finishes with succinct advice for people living with ADD/ADHD.
A suspicion turned realisation.
I’ve finally gotten around to listening to Dr. Gabor Maté’s “Scattered Minds”, a book I’ve been anticipating consuming for years.
Despite having heard and read over and over the signs and symptoms of ADD/ADHD, and having had a feeling that it was possible that I may have experienced these symptoms earlier in life, I assumed I was exaggerating and couldn’t possibly have experienced anything as dramatic as my clients and friends diagnosed with ADD describe… even if I could relate to everything they were going through.
As I listened in the car to Gabor’s chapter on the experiences of people diagnosed with ADD, I felt my eyes widening. I chuckled awkwardly as I resonated with almost every single point of his description. Here’s a summary of the signs and symptoms that Gabor described in his book (which Chat GPT helped me recall):
1. Inattention
Difficulty maintaining focus on tasks or activities, especially those that are not immediately stimulating or rewarding.
Tendency to become easily distracted by irrelevant stimuli or internal thoughts.
Forgetfulness in daily activities and frequent misplacement of items.
Difficulty organizing tasks and managing time effectively.
2. Hyperactivity (in ADHD cases)
Restlessness, including a constant need to move or fidget, even when inappropriate.
Difficulty remaining seated or engaging in quiet, sedentary activities.
A sense of inner tension or drive, often experienced as a relentless need to act.
3. Emotional Dysregulation
Intense emotional reactions to minor provocations or frustrations.
Difficulty managing or modulating emotions, leading to outbursts or withdrawal.
A heightened sensitivity to criticism or perceived rejection.
4. Impulsivity
Acting without considering consequences, often leading to errors in judgment.
Interrupting others or difficulty waiting for one’s turn.
A tendency to speak or act out of turn in social or professional settings.
5. Difficulty with Task Persistence
Struggles to follow through on tasks, especially those requiring sustained effort or attention.
Procrastination, often followed by intense bursts of activity to meet deadlines.
A pattern of leaving projects incomplete.
6. Self-Perception and Self-Esteem Issues
Feelings of being "different" or inadequate due to challenges with focus and productivity.
A tendency toward self-criticism and shame.
A sense of underachievement despite potential or intelligence.
7. Time Blindness
Difficulty perceiving or managing time effectively, often resulting in chronic lateness or missed deadlines.
A present-focused attention span, with little awareness of future consequences.
8. Relationship Challenges
Difficulties with communication, active listening, or maintaining focus in conversations.
Impulsivity or emotional reactivity that can strain interpersonal relationships.
Maté emphasizes that these symptoms often coexist with high creativity, intense curiosity, and deep emotional sensitivity. Importantly, he stresses that the presentation of ADD varies greatly between individuals, and the symptoms often overlap with traits seen in other conditions.
These are my legs, standing on the top of Pic de la Corne, in the French Alps.
You can cure ADD— I’ve done it (I think).
Now I admit that today, I do not suffer from all of these problems— most of them I would say are “cured”. But when I think back to my teens and early 20’s, I tick off almost every box. I started books and never finished them. I started projects and never completed. I finished a bachelors in Theatre Production, changed careers, did half a degree in Contemporary Dance, changed careers, changed countries, did a professional Sommelier diploma, opened a restaurant and ran it for over five years during which time I did a Master’s in Psychology, then sold the restaurant, and then changed careers again. If you look long-view at my life, you can see someone who switches minds rapidly and fervently. This year I’ll likely enter my 9th year of school to pursue my French Psychology license, and I hope beyond hope that I will stick with this career permanently. But I also know myself; maybe in a few years I’ll want to learn how to make hand-made ceramics and open a shop. Please, Leslie, don’t do it !
My personal space was a disorganised mess, and is still “tidy mess” today. Cleaning is and has always been an activity of zero interest to me (unless I’m being paid by the hour, in which case it becomes quite meditative as there is nothing else that I perceive I ‘should’ be doing, and so there’s no pressure). I have always however been organised with time— I have never been one to be late or use my time unwisely (I think— unless you count all those years of various schools).
If I qualify for ADHD (the hyperactive version), it is represented by an inner drive that is insatiable, as well as a healthy addiction to movement (dance, yoga, sports). In particular, I can never stop working, pursuing, thinking about my career and my next moves. I can’t turn it off at night. I am either reading therapy textbooks before bed, or listening to spiritual texts by Thich That Hanh or Eckhart Tollé, or I’m writing to ChatGPT about the best academic steps for me; Masters or Doctorate; and in which country, and how much does a one-bedroom cost to rent there…
How I’ve gotten better:
When it comes to emotional regulation and concentration, I have mastered them through daily meditation. I can’t stress this enough: meditation is the answer to ADD and ADHD. Why?
Because it’s practicing using the brain in the exact opposite way that ADD has you using it. You practice breathing, tuning into the parts of your brain that are connected to your body and your ability to sense and feel. It takes you out of thinking, analysing and doing, and into feeling and being. When we are constantly up in our heads trying to figure everything out, we become disconnected from what is actually happening. The parts of our brain that are supposing, projecting what will happen, analysing what happened, deciding what it all means… they are the parts of our brain involved in imagining. We are essentially imagining the world, rather than experiencing it or seeing it clearly. Over time and with reinforcement of these neuropathways, the analytic parts of the brain become overbearing and throw us out of balance. We need to strengthen the parts of the brain involved with sensing and awareness in order to better experience what is actually happening, rather than what we imagine to be happening. What we imagine to be happening is stressing us out.
Since beginning a meditation practice, I read. I can concentrate on books. I finish all of my books, even if I am always reading three at once (to keep it diverse!). My Masters was the probably easiest schooling I’ve ever done, even if it was the hardest level— my concentration was higher than it has ever been in my life. I found a totally new ability to sit down and read. To sit down and write, as I am doing now.
But there’s another factor— the self-esteem piece.
My experience working in bars gave me the confidence to open my own establishment, but it was actually a lack of self-esteem that planted in me the need to own a bar. By owning a cool bar I could feel loved by all, I would be seen as awesome, and I would have the attention of everyone in town. And quite frankly, it worked. If there is one thing that brought me self-esteem and self-belief, it was creating a cool project on my own, from my own brain. That self-esteem gave me the belief that I could do other big things, like a Masters in Psychology.
But meditation was what led me to understand that I didn't need a bar to be worthy, and that running a bar was exhausting, thankless and detrimental to the environment and to the health of people. I was suddenly awake to alcohol culture and consumerism, and felt my own energy wrapped up in capitalism— that striving, ‘never enough’ energy. More than anything, it woke me up to my own ego— the person I was pretending to be in order to be seen a certain way by others. And I decided that this version of me was not what the world needs— the world needs more constructive use of energy— people need help. I wanted to help now.
Staying in the present:
Ironically, staying in the present appears to be both a problem of ADD, and a solution to ADD. I admit, I have not figured out this piece of the puzzle yet.
Meditation practices staying in the present— you practice not ruminating over the past, and not projecting into the future. This is part of the ‘stay in reality’ bit, rather than drifting into the imaginary and speculative world. In the present we can realise we’re actually safe— that the world isn’t crumbling around us if in reality we’re sitting at our kitchen table writing a blog. It’s not that bad— it’s our ideas and imaginings about the world that are bad.
However, a present-focussed attention span is something I both covet and suffer from, meaning I can stay in the present in order to not worry about the past or the future… but if the present is uncomfortable, then I’m in crisis. If I don’t have many clients for a month or two, I catastrophise— I feel that my practice isn’t working. If I don’t have yoga attendance this week, my life as a yoga teacher is doomed. Fluctuation is hard for me to deal with, because if things are low in this present moment, then I am low with them. I struggle with trusting that the high will come back, and when the high is here, I can be over-confident and make decisions based on an assumption that things will always be as good.
This is where a reminder from Buddhism can come in handy: the practice of impermanence. I need to sit back and remind myself: nothing is permanent. The lows will become highs again, just as the highs will become lows again. This is a practice in trust, which is something I wonder whether all ADD people struggle with. It certainly isn’t mentioned in descriptions of ADD— it’s more mentioned in descriptions of certain types of trauma and attachment styles.
This one was definitely the Mont Forchat, overlooking Lake Geneva. My old friend Chris2 took this photo during a visit with me in France.
Is ADD trauma-based?
This is the million-dollar ADD question these days. Yes, I think so— because I lived an impressive load of childhood trauma myself and I have suffered these symptoms. Gabor Maté thinks so as well—
Key points from Scattered Minds (summarised by ChatGPT):
Root Cause of ADD: Maté highlights early relationships and emotional attunement as central. He views ADHD as a developmental disorder stemming from environmental stress during critical periods of brain development.
Non-Pathological View: He rejects the idea that ADD is purely a biological deficit or genetic flaw, framing it instead as an adaptive mechanism to survive challenging circumstances.
Healing: Maté advocates for a compassionate, non-blaming approach to healing, emphasizing self-awareness, connection, and addressing unresolved emotional wounds.
Well now that’s interesting ! How can I decide whether my emotional and behavioural dysfunctions are due to my ADD or due to my childhood trauma and lack of healthy attachment with my caregivers?
Answer: I can’t. They’re one and the same.
My biggest piece of advice for those living with ADD/ADHD…
…is to stop believing it’s the cause of our problems and that we can’t do anything about it. I feel you squirming at this advice but— take a breath… and stop it right now. I mean it.
You are not powerless. You are not a victim. Please feel my gentle slaps across your face to wake you up to this point— slapslapslapslapslap. They’re gentle and understanding, but firm and insistant.
You are more than a definition of yourself provided by Attention Deficit Disorder.
We must take responsibility for our emotional behaviours, our trauma and our attachment deficiencies. These disorders, these behaviours, these emotional and cognitive functions are not our fault, but they are our responsibility. We can do something about them, as I hope to have demonstrated to you through my own story. Here are my top 3 suggestions:
Empower yourself: do not believe you are a victim and that you are powerless to change.
Push yourself to realise one dream: use your determination and power of creativity to prove to your own self that you are capable and competent by realising one project for yourself. Whether it’s completing a diploma, opening a business, doing a pilgrimage, running a marathon, creating a masterwork of art… whatever it is that will bring you an immense sense of fulfilment and self-realisation.
Practice meditation regularly: And I mean daily, or several times a week— not just when you’re feeling stressed or disgruntled. Daily practice is scientifically proven to enhance cognitive functions in the domains of awareness, attention, concentration, memory, spatial awareness and emotional regulation. Actually, let’s let ChatGPT remind us of the scientifically-proven cognitive benefits of meditation practice:
1. Improved Attention and Focus
Enhanced Attention Control: Meditation strengthens the ability to sustain focus on tasks and reduces mind-wandering. This is particularly evident in practices like mindfulness meditation or focused attention meditation.
Increased Cognitive Control: Regular meditators demonstrate better task-switching and reduced susceptibility to distractions.
2. Better Working Memory
Meditation improves working memory, which is essential for holding and manipulating information in the short term.
Studies show that mindfulness training can increase working memory capacity, particularly under stress (e.g., in students or military personnel).
3. Reduced Mind-Wandering
Meditation increases meta-awareness—the ability to recognize when your mind has wandered and redirect it back to the task at hand.
This leads to better task performance and reduced errors.
4. Enhanced Emotional Regulation
By engaging brain regions like the prefrontal cortex and reducing activity in the amygdala, meditation fosters improved emotional control.
Mindfulness meditation, in particular, helps reduce reactivity to emotional stimuli and promotes more thoughtful responses.
5. Increased Cognitive Flexibility
Meditation enhances the brain's ability to adapt to new information and switch between different tasks or perspectives.
This flexibility is tied to improved problem-solving skills and creativity.
6. Boosted Executive Function
Regular practice improves planning, decision-making, and inhibitory control (the ability to resist impulsive behaviors).
These effects are linked to structural and functional changes in the prefrontal cortex.
7. Thicker Brain Regions Associated with Learning and Memory
Long-term meditation is associated with increased cortical thickness in areas related to attention, memory, and sensory processing.
The hippocampus, a key region for memory formation, often shows growth or increased connectivity in meditators.
8. Improved Neuroplasticity
Meditation supports the brain's ability to rewire itself in response to experience.
Practices like mindfulness encourage the growth of new neural connections, particularly in areas involved in attention and emotional regulation.
9. Slowed Cognitive Decline
Meditation may protect against age-related cognitive decline.
Research indicates that it can improve attention, memory, and processing speed in older adults, potentially reducing the risk of dementia.
10. Reduced Stress-Induced Cognitive Impairments
Meditation lowers cortisol levels, mitigating the harmful effects of chronic stress on cognitive functions like memory and attention.
Stress-reduction practices, such as mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR), are particularly effective in preserving cognitive performance.
11. Increased Creativity
Open-monitoring meditation, which involves observing thoughts and sensations without judgment, has been linked to divergent thinking—a key component of creativity.
These benefits arise from measurable changes in the brain, including increased gray matter density, improved connectivity between brain regions, and reduced activity in the default mode network (DMN), which is associated with mind-wandering and self-referential thinking.
Still not convinced?
Let’s chat about it. Please feel free to email me at leslieannglen@gmail.com or message me on Instagram (inner.shift.psychology). I love exchanging about ADHD and mental health in general, so don’t hesitate ! I look forward to hearing from you.
-Leslie